My Heart is Beating Outside of My Body
Posted: Friday, November 19, 2010
by Liesl Garner
"Being a mother means forever having your heart walk around outside of your body." I could not find the origin of the quote. I found all sorts of people on the Internet using the quote, but not an original reference to the first person that said it. I feel it, though. I feel more deeply for my children than I ever did for myself, and I have been a bit on the dramatic side of feelings. Just know that anything that happens to them reverberates around inside of me for a long time. If they scratch a toe, I feel it. If they are brokenhearted, I am as well.
Today, I am taking my son out of one school and putting him in another. The one he is coming out of seemed like the best possible place when we first heard of it. It is a charter school. It was supposed to be infused with art. He is an artist through and through. We thought this would work for him. But, we are not finding a lot of art happening, truth be told. We are finding his artistic impulses stifled, and that breaks my heart. I cannot figure out for the life of me why it is so difficult to allow an artistic child freedom to express himself on paper!
We are putting him into the public school that is in our district. It is over one hill from our house. He will be able to grow up with kids that are "in his neighborhood." That is an important part of growing up, I think. Whatever the school is lacking, because they are all lacking, there is no school that can provide the wealth of challenging mental exercises our children need, we will provide at home.
We read out loud as a family. We do all kinds of art projects. We recently painted a giant mural on the side of our barn over a weekend just my six-year old and me. He painted all the flames along the bottom, and I painted all the swirls across the top. We spent the day together in a heyday of artistic interaction. I don't remember having so much fun probably ever in my life as the day we painted our first mural. My husband suggested that every summer, we paint over it and do it again, keeping photographic records of our murals over the years. I love the idea of starting each summer vacation with a brand new giant canvas to fill with our imaginations.
My son and my husband do metal art together in the shop. Ben has been making Yard Art since he was five-years old. He made a ring for me out of a metal pipe he was sawing to make his own BB Gun. He was too young for us to buy him one, so he was trying to craft one for himself by welding together parts of pipe (don't worry, he is always supervised). The little section he cut out to create the bend in the gun fascinated him because of its shape. He realized that if he sanded it down real well, it would make a nice ring for me. He spent three days sanding it to make it smooth enough for my finger. This is a boy who has colossal patience for his artwork.
He also wants to be a doctor when he grows up. He has all sorts of books about how the body works, and when any of us are sick, he wants to check our bones and listen to our hearts to see if he can help us get better.
This is a boy whose education means the absolute world to me. If I take him out of a school, it is because I feel his learning is being jeopardized. I realize that in any school, there are problems. I do not think I am a helicopter-hovering mom. I want my son to be able to be in a place where success is not only an option, but also the goal of everyone involved. I realize that public schools are overloaded, that they have to jump through hoops that make teaching sometimes take a back seat. It is frustrating to me. I want to make everything smooth for the teachers so they can teach. I want a perfect place for my son. I know that is not going to happen. I am trying to stay calm.
My husband is currently going to the school and filling out paperwork. Everything inside me wants to be there too. I want to see the new school with my own eyes, to see if it seems possible that this could be a better place. Perhaps it's better that I'm working. My heart is too overwhelmed with wanting to protect, provide and prosper my son. No school is perfect, right? But in every school there is good to be found.
The school he is currently attending is several towns away and not worth the drive anymore, it seems. We have a number of issues, and we feel there are opportunities being missed at every turn. My child wants to learn, and the curriculum is moving at such a slow pace that the entire class is edgy and hyper because they are being taught things they already know. The kids want to move forward and the system isn't allowing them to do so.
I am rambling. I don't have a solution other than we are trying something different. We don't want to just keep moving him in and out of schools. We want to deal with the school in our neighborhood and work from within the system. We will add to whatever they aren't able to provide.
Oh friends my heart is beating outside of my body and I feel it may break. I want the best for my son. I want him to know we are doing our very best. Your words of comfort will mean the world to me today!
No one ever said motherhood would be easy.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)Liesl, your son clearly gets what he needs at home, because he's able to be focused and creative and he has dreams of what he wants to be! That's what gives him the capacity to make his way in the world, far more than what he learns at school. I think he will be fine, his school doesn't need to be perfect for him to flourish. And you're doing a great job of not helicopter-hovering!Thank you, Jennifer! I knew I could count on my fellow writers here on SearchWarp to reassure me today! Thank you for reminding me that he can and will flourish in spite of school!
Just a little update - My husband introduced my son to his new school today. Because the students are on Thanksgiving Break, my boy got the run of the place, and a private meeting with the Principal. After being told that his class is studying Rocks and Dirt - he is totally psyched to start school the Monday after the Holiday! Yeah for Rocks and Dirt!
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